June 13, 2006
Beer Jokes
All taken from this thread at beeradvocate.com:
An oil tycoon from Texas is vacationing in Ireland. He stops by the local and puts a wager up to the crowd. He tells them he’ll pay $10,000 to anyone who can drink 10 pints in two minutes. One man is so offended he leaves the bar.
After a few minutes the Texan asks if no one is man enough to take the take and that he’d heard Irish men could drink. A minute later, the man who left walks back into the bar gets the barkeep to line up ten pints and takes them in about a minute and a half. The Texan owes up to the bet and congratulates the Irishman. He says to the man “That was quite impressive but I have to ask; Where’d you go when you left?”
The Irishman replied “I went to the pub down the road. I had to make sure I could do it first.”
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A man walks into a bar and orders a draft and sits down. After a couple sips a monkey runs up and quickly dips his balls in the man’s beer. The man is furious and can’t believe what just happened. “Bartender!”, the man said “That monkey just dipped his balls in my beer, I can’t drink this, give me another one.”
The bartender serves him another, but after a moment the monkey appears again and before the man could stop him he dips his balls in the beer again. “That damn monkey just did it again, I can’t drink this!”, he said. “Bartender, give me another beer please.”
The bartender poured the man a third pint and this time the man was determined not to let that monkey dip his balls in it. He watched the beer closely, and the monkey was not in sight, so he started chatting with a woman across the bar. As soon as he stopped paying attention the monkey snuck up like lightning, and quickly dipped his balls in the beer again.
“I’ve had enough of this!”, the man yelled, “All my beers have been ruined.” “Is that your monkey bartender?” “No”, he replied, “That monkey belongs to the piano player over there”
The man gets up from his barstool and approaches the piano player and taps him on the back. “Excuse me sir, do you know your monkey is dipping his balls in my beer?” “No I sure don’t.” replied the piano player. “But, if you hum a few notes I can try to fake it.”
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking beer years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.”
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A young Irishman walked into the local pub, took a seat at the bar and orders 3 beers. After an hour or so, the bartender asked the man, “Excuse Sir, I noticed that you’ve been here for a while and ordered 3 beers when you sat down. Wouldn’t it have made sense to order your beer one at a time so that they don’t go flat?”
He said, “Well Sir you see, my 2 brothers are living in other countries and we don’t get the chance to see each other very much. So, we designated this date and time each year to go to the nearest pub, order 1 beer for each brother and drink them in rememberance of each other.”
After several years of this ritual, the man then showed up to the pub and only ordered 2 beers. The bartender got a sinking feeling in his heart thinking that something must have happened to one of the brothers.
Before the Irishman finished his last beer, the bartender said, “I’m sorry for your loss sir…”
The Irishman said,”Pardon me?”
The bartender said, “Well, I noticed that you only ordered 2 beers this year and assumed that one of your brothers had passed away.”
The Irishman said, “Oh no Sir, this is the year that I’ve decided to quit drinking”
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A guy is drinking at the bar when he decides it’s time to go home. He tries to stand up from his stool and falls flat on his face. He tries to get up and falls again. He thinks “Damn, I’m drunk…I just need some air.” So he crawls outside and tries to get up, but falls again. He knows he needs to get home so his wife won’t know he’s been out drinking late, so he crawls himself all the way home, drags himself up the stairs into bed next to his wife, and passes out.
His wife wakes up the next morning, looks at him and says “You’ve been drinking.”
He tries to act innocent. “No I haven’t. What makes you think that?”
“You left your wheelchair at the bar again!”
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A guy walks into a bar with his dog, orders an Abita beer, and asks if the Saints game is on.
“Wait a minute, buddy,” the bartender says. “There’s no dogs allowed in here.”
“But you don’t understand,” the man says. “My dog and I are total Saints fans! We’ve been watching them play for 20 years now! I’m afraid this might be old Spot’s last game with me, and the danged TV at the house just died!”
The bartender takes pity on the man and allows him to keep the dog so long as there’s no funny business.
A few minutes into the game, the Saints score a first down. The dog starts going wild, doing backflips, buying random patrons beers, and just going nuts.
“Wow,” the bardtender comments. “You’re not kidding, that dog is a crazy Saints fan. What does he do when the Saints win a game?”
“I dunno,” the guy says. “Like I said, I only had him for 20 years now.”
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John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”
Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!”
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”
Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”
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After a night of heavy beer drinking, a man wakes up at home with a terrible hangover. He thinks to himself, “Ahh crap, my wife is going to kill me.”
Instead, as he clears his eyes, he sees a glass of ice water and two aspirin on his bedstand, with a note saying “Had to run some errands. Hope you get well soon. Your loving wife, Laura.” The man is clearly confused by this, and expects some sort of trap.
He goes downstairs, vaguely remembering coming home drunk and vomiting everywhere. He steps into the kitchen, where he sees his favourite breakfast already prepared for him. Eggs benedict, sausage, bacon, coffee and orange juice. Beside his breakfast is the morning newspaper, already turned to the sports section. He’s thinking to himself, what is going on? Why is my wife treating me so nice? He sits down on the chair, and slowly starts eating his breakfast, wondering if she poisoned the coffee or put too much salt on the eggs.
Eventually, his son comes down. Confused, he asks his son what happened. “Well,” said the son, “You came home piss drunk, with vomit all over your clothes. It took you 30 minutes to try and get in the door. Once in, you fell down, pissed yourself and vomited all over mom’s shoes. You tried to get upstairs, but kept falling and puking everywhere. Mom woke up, was furious, and dragged you upstairs. She threw you in the bathtub and showered you off. Afterwards, you got up and passed out on the bed.
Seeing that you puked all over your jacket and clothes, she tried to take off your clothes so she can clean them. As she was taking off your pants, you woke up and yelled out “GET OFF ME, YOU SLUT! I’M MARRIED!”
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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a beer. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a beer. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walkinto the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again–but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds– and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus ?”
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath–and says to the Preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that
you’re from Ireland”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where about in Ireland might you be from?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part
of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, in what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, let’s see, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’ s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
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