September 29, 2006
You Might Be a Homebrewer If…
This isn’t mine, but it’s funny as hell! There are quite a few of these that apply to me, such as the fact that I’ve got 30+ gallons of beer at home at the moment, and that doesn’t seem like all that much!
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You might be a homebrewer if…
IF you wander through the isles of the grocery store saying to yourself “I wonder if that would ferment.”
IF you know what the hell a sparge arm is.
IF you have more empty bottles in your house than Teddy Kennedy.
IF your idea of international diplomacy is combining Belgian yeast with British malts and German hops.
IF the FBI raids yous house, suspecting that your yeast ranch is a WMD lab.
IF you know the secret motto “RDWHAH”.
IF you’ve been banned from the kitchen ever since the “Boilover Incident of ’99″.
IF you’ve ever tried to improve a Budweiser by stirring in a crumbled hop pellet.
IF you have a hose adapter permanently attached to your kitchen faucet.
IF you wanted to name the puppy “Fuggles.”
IF you own a sterile trash can.
IF you have more than 10 gallons of beer in your home right now.
IF you measure beer in gallons.
IF you don’t think 10 gallons of beer is a lot.
IF you’re ever used a mop on a ceiling.
IF all party invitations you receive say “bring a keg.”
IF you have a large stove pot that no one else is allowed to use.
IF you’ve ever driven your car in winter with the windows down and the heat off because you were afraid the cooler in the backseat was getting warm.
IF you’ve ever stumped the tour guide on a megabrewery tour, deliberately.
IF you have a glass that you wash by hand instead of in the dishwasher.
IF you’ve ever said any of these phrases:
“In a not-frosted glass, please.”
“Probably dirty hoses.”
“What kind of beer is it supposed to be?”
“By weight or by volume?”
“My yeast is ready.”
“Aw, crap, twist-offs.”
IF there is a bottle in the refrigerator with an air lock on it.
IF you’ve ever butted into the conversation of total strangers because you overheard the word “sparge.”
IF you can’t remember the last time you popped open a flip-top beer can.
IF your favorite character on Bonanza reruns is Hop Sing.
IF you’ve ever cut a hole in a refrigerator door.
IF you’ve ever gone to a redemption center to buy bottles.
IF your 10-year-old critiques the clarity and head retention of her root beer.
IF the owner of the beer store doesn’t remember your name anymore.
IF a waitress has said you’re the first person ever to send a beer back.
IF your kid entered the science fair with a demonstration of =
fermentation.
IF you’ve ever bought a six-pack of beer just because you liked the empties.
IF walking across your kitchen floor sounds like Velcro.
IF you’ve even thought about adding hop oil to unscented love oil.
IF you’ve ever pulled bottles out of other people’s recycling bins.
IF you’ve ever put the kids to bed dirty because the tub was full of soaking bottles.
IF every T-shirt you own is from a brewpub or microbrewery.
IF your key chain has a bottle opener on it.
IF you have a T-shirt or bumper sticker that says:
“I Brew, Therefore I Am”
“I Fear No Beer”…
“I’d rather be home…brewing!”
IF you refer to the foam on a pot of boiling spaghetti as “hot break”.
IF you have several boxes of empties (various sizes and types) in your garage, even though you Keg, “just in case”.
IF you have ever put hops in your coffee, and thought “Hey, that’s better!”
IF you find yourself standing next to another guy at Home Depot holding several brass fittings and a cooler.
IF you can brag that your vehicle can actually hold 40 cornies and still have room in the front seat…
IF you have more refrigerators in your garage than in your house.
IF you have more taps at home than in the corner bar.
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