April 10, 2008
The Speed Of Government
I’ve found something that the government does quickly. When you owe them taxes at this time of the year, they don’t waste time. I owed at the end of this year, and there was maybe a 3-4 day from the time we SENT the check and the day it cleared. That check cleared faster than giving it to a crackhead with a gambling problem…
…which is a lot like government, when you really think about it!
January 7, 2008
Quote Of The Day
I was listening to an interview with Emo Philips, a rather bizarre comedian… He was asked if, as a comedian, he enjoyed being on the road a lot:
“I do enjoy being on the road. Of course, I don’t have a wife and kids, so I don’t get the full benefit of it.”
Given that I am on the road a fair amount in my new job, I busted right out laughing when I heard that one!
August 30, 2007
Colored Flour = Felony Terrorism Charges
As is well known to the readers of The Liberty Papers and The Unrepentant Individual, I love beer. It’s also true, largely due to drinking beer, that I could stand to be in better shape. So when I one day found the sport of hashing, I was excited. Sometimes called “a drinking club with a running problem”, it’s an excuse for runners to drink (or in my case, for drinkers to run).
Unfortunately, life got in the way, and I haven’t had a chance to get involved in a hashing club. It’s probably for the best, though, because some hashers found themselves in quite hot water recently:
Two people who sprinkled flour in a parking lot to mark a trail for their offbeat running club inadvertently caused a bioterrorism scare and now face a felony charge.
The sprinkled powder forced hundreds to evacuate an IKEA furniture store Thursday.
New Haven ophthalmologist Daniel Salchow, 36, and his sister, Dorothee, 31, who is visiting from Hamburg, Germany, were both charged with first-degree breach of peace, a felony.
…
Daniel Salchow biked back to IKEA when he heard there was a problem and told officers the powder was just harmless flour, which he said he and his sister have sprinkled everywhere from New York to California without incident.
“Not in my wildest dreams did I ever anticipate anything like that,†he said.
Phew. Thank god our fine law enforcement has saved us from crazy ophthalmologists with flour!
In a sane world I would expect that law enforcement would realize that they’ve overreacted, and everyone would go on there merry way… Knowing the world we live in, though, it makes perfect sense that this would be blown out of proportion and these people brought up on felony charges. After all, if the local authorities admit they made a mistake, they might have to answer to someone for it. Much better to simply deny they’ve done anything wrong and blame the victim!
And that’s just what the spokeswoman has done:
Mayoral spokeswoman Jessica Mayorga said the city plans to seek restitution from the Salchows, who are due in court Sept. 14.
“You see powder connected by arrows and chalk, you never know,†she said. “It could be a terrorist, it could be something more serious. We’re thankful it wasn’t, but there were a lot of resources that went into figuring that out.â€
However, federal authorities have raised us to threat level Orange, until the below terrorist is apprehended.
Hat Tip: Billy Beck
July 22, 2007
Yorkshire And London Are Two Different Places
Britney Spears has apparently joined the trend of buying Yorkshire Terriers, a trend which I* spotted years ago when I purchased mine.
Of course, in an attempt to show that she actually understands what nation these dogs are typically associated with, she named the dog “London”. I don’t know if anyone bothered to explain to her that London and Yorkshire are two completely different cities, about 200 miles apart? It’s like going to someone’s house where they want to impress you and serve steak, but give you Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese as a side dish…
Besides, I don’t think Britney’s dog could ever be as cute as Guinness anyway…
July 13, 2007
I Hope It Seemed Funny At The Time!
Now, as most of you know, I don’t think pot should be illegal. I personally don’t care for it, but on the list of dangerous drugs, I think it’s clearly less destructive to families and individuals than even alcohol. So the fact that he made himself some special brownies doesn’t bother me in the slightest, even though he’s a cop.
But to call 911 like this?! Anybody stupid enough to do that really shouldn’t be entrusted with the protection of others.
July 11, 2007
Terrorist Metalheads Coming To An Airport Near You!
James Hetfield, lead singer of Metallica, looks suspiciously like a terrorist to the Brits.
I’d describe the full story, but Justin of autoDogmatic has done a much better job. He explains that government is quite capable of dishing out its nonsensical harassment and justice for all:
James Hetfield, lead-singer of Metallica, learned this week that the UK’s Luton airport was not on his list of places he can roam freely. Sad but true, Hetfield was detained due to his “Taliban-like beard” making officials nervous. One wonders if the rock star felt like an outlaw torn or just another victim of the master of puppets, big brother government. But for his devil’s dance, quickly explaining to the officials that he was a rock star, and not a terrorist, Hetfield may have felt a bit … I don’t know … minus human? Though Hetfield escaped relatively unscathed, nay more a hero of the day, I have no doubt that the memory of his detiainment will remain though nothing else matters.
Let this be a lesson: in the land of wolf and man, the bell tolls for us all … until the-thing-that-should-not-be sleeps, that is.
I’d warn those governments about Hetfield, though… He’s been known to fight fire with fire, and may leave you blackened.
June 19, 2007
25% More Wise
I went to the dentist today… That wasn’t a fun experience, as it never is… I grew up with a dentist that was an overweight man, with big fat fingers. Ever since, I haven’t liked the dentist.
But I learned something new about myself. The doctor checked out the x-rays, and I’ve got 5 wisdom teeth! Sweet!
That must mean I’m 25% extra-wise, which explains a lot… Or it could mean I’m 25% more wise-ass, which would also explain a lot. I told my wife that it must be the former, which I think is evidence of the latter…
May 4, 2007
Can I Be A Stay-At-Home Mom?
This sounds like a pretty sweet deal:
If the typical stay-at-home mother in the United States were paid for her work as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among other roles, she would earn $138,095 a year, according to research released on Wednesday.
This reflected a 3 percent raise from last year’s $134,121, according to Salary.com Inc, Waltham, Massachusetts-based compensation experts.
The 10 jobs listed as comprising a mother’s work were housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, laundry machine operator, van driver, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist, it said.
So wants to hire me? I’ll cook and clean, and I’ve got a history of armchair psychology (usually after drinking gin)… I’ll bet I could do this job and still have time to blog on the side…
Plus, that way I could actually start paying my wife to be as stay-at-home mom when she starts being one in August… Right now she’s not making squat.
April 17, 2007
Big Networks Have Jumped The Proverbial Shark
Or, so the WaPo laments:
“Everyone can appreciate the business pressure that the networks are under, but when did they [start] ceding their responsibility to cover these stories?” said Tom Kunkel, the dean of the University of Maryland’s journalism school. “It does kind of make you wonder how big a blood bath there has to be warrant their attention in prime time. How bad does it have to be to supplant ‘Dancing With the Stars’?”
I actually got this story sent to my by my buddy Jim, who gave his own thoughts on it via email, with which I heartily agree.
with this. obviously it was newsworthy, it led every newscast in the country and was on the front page of every newspaper i looked at today from overseas. but how much more did we NEED to know last night? Had things changed? Were we headed to war? How would exploiting the tragic event for an extra three hours of coverage have helped fulfill the networks’ responsibilities to the nation?
Below is my response to his email…
——————————————————————
I hear you on this one, Jim… You know what this article is lamenting? Not that the big networks didn’t cover this, but that the big networks are no longer the driver of the news cycle:
“They’d rather run reruns than preempt their regular programming,” Rosenstiel said. “It’s not a surprise, but it is unfortunate. If the networks have lost their role as arbiters of what’s significant in our culture, then they’ve been complicit in that loss.”
They’ve been outdone. They can throw up the local news at 11, but really. If you wanted coverage, where were you going to turn? CNN. Fox News. The internet.
We don’t need the big networks to be the main arbiter of how to handle the news. We’ve got much more specialized avenues of getting that information that do a much better job. Yes, that may mean that Granny Eunice, with her rabbit ears on top of her 19″ Zenith, doesn’t get the same sort of news she got back in the old days. So what? She can wait until the news at 11, or she can catch it on the Paul Harvey show on her hi-fi.
What really gets me, though, is that when you actually watch the constant coverage of cable news, you begin to see that sometimes the news cycle is faster than the actual news:
“Well, although we just talked to him 12 minutes ago, we’re going to go back on scene with John Ondaspot, who is standing outside the Virginia Tech building where this all happened. John?”
“Well, Wolf, if you can see behind me, you’ll see that one of the detectives has moved 6 feet to the left of where he was 12 minutes ago. Other than scratching his ass, he hasn’t really done a whole lot since. No new information has been released on the gunman, of course, and probably won’t for several hours. Back to you, and I’ll check in with you in another 12 minutes.”
Worthless, the whole damn lot of them. Life got much better when I sold my TV.
April 15, 2007
Is This Covered Under NAFTA?
Both teams at home in US-Mexico border volleyball
It was never like this at the Olympics.
U.S. and Mexican volleyball teams faced off over the rusted border fence in southern Arizona on Saturday and played as part of a binational goodwill festival.
The scene offered a festive contrast from the usual tensions surrounding the U.S.-Mexican border. Illegal immigration from Mexico and border security have become a potent political issue in both the United States and Mexico.
The game was the centrepiece of a party held occasionally on the border since 1979 by residents of the town of Naco, Arizona, and its namesake in the Mexican state of Sonora.
“For us, it represents the celebration of the union of two countries,” said Jose Lorenzo Villegas, the mayor of Naco, Mexico, as U.S. and Mexican youngsters tapped the ball across a net set up on the dusty international line.
“What’s unusual is that both the Mexican and U.S. teams are playing at home, with the fence as the net,” he added.
Thank god for NAFTA… I’m sure the import/export duties on that volleyball would have racked up quickly!
April 14, 2007
Soaping A Fountain Writ Large
City streets got an unscheduled cleaning as a sudsy citrus-scented foam erupted from manhole covers like geysers.
The bubbles spewed from a three-block stretch on the city’s east side Thursday after American Linen accidentally released detergent into the municipal sewer lines. The combination of gravity and churning water whipped the soap into a sudsy foam.
“We have never had a situation like this before,” said Vince Trimboli, the public works spokesman.
Officials say the company had a malfunction, caused by human error, in its automated detergent loading device, releasing 167 gallons of a harmless but concentrated detergent.
Crews worked during the day to disperse the suds before they reached the treatment facility, then used soft-spray hoses and yard blowers to reduce foam levels closer to the plant.
Why is it I can’t find any pictures of this?
But I’m sure if I lived in Boise, I would have found this very cool. Of course, if I lived in Boise, I’d probably find grass growing and paint drying to be pretty cool, so the bar is set a bit low 
Why Tempt Fate?
If anyone is looking for gift ideas, I don’t want one of these…
Pieces of Titanic transformed into luxury watches
Steel and coal from the Titanic have been transformed into a new line of luxury wristwatches that claim to capture the essence of the legendary oceanliner which sank in 1912.
Geneva watchmaker Romain Jerome SA billed its “Titanic-DNA” collection as among the most exclusive pieces showcased this week at Baselworld, the watch and jewellery industry’s largest annual trade fair.
“It is very luxurious and very inaccessible,” said Yvan Arpa, chief executive of the three-year-old company that hopes the limited edition watches will attract both collectors and garrulous luxury goods buyers.
“So many rich people buy incredibly complicated watches without understanding how they work, because they want a story to tell,” he said. “To them we offer a story.”
They want a story? Well, the first time one of the wearers of these watches ends up in a plane crash, I’ll bet they’ll have a story. Even stranger if it’s on the maiden commercial voyage of an Airbus A380…
I’m not a believer in “fate” or “luck”, or any of that stuff. But hey, I’ll hedge my bets when I need to. I’m not getting on an airplane, or a boat, or even a BUS with one of these watches.
April 4, 2007
Intelligent Design
If human beings were intelligently designed, why are our knees and backs so prone to failure?
I mean, the central nervous system is elegant and all, but I’ve known quite a few people that have picked up a heavy object in their mid-20’s, and are now consigned to a life of pain. Knees and backs were not intelligently designed, unless God’s a sadist. What’s the deal?
April 2, 2007
Why I’m Causing Global Warming By Brewing Beer
Alright, so plants turn CO2 into oxygen, and forestall global warming. And I’m causing it by making beer.
To see why, let’s look at step 1: the mash/boil process. In mashing and boiling, I’m burning propane in order to heat the water (and then the wort) in order to make the beer.
Burning Propane:
C3H8 + 5 02 -> 3 CO2 + 4 H20 + heat
So by burning propane, I’m creating CO2 (greenhouse gas) and water vapor (also greenhouse gas). So I’m creating global warming right there. Not to mention the direct heat created by burning.
But it gets even worse. Plants turn CO2 into oxygen, and thus forestall global warming. Well, what is malt? Malt is barley seeds, allowed to germinate before being roasted and then malted to become sugar. Hops are flowers. So I’m killing plants (in the case of malt, baby plants), and thus taking them out of the photosynthesis cycle and stopping them from reducing atmospheric CO2.
Think that’s bad? I’m just getting started! Now we have fermentation!
Fermentation:
C6H12O6 -> 2 C2H5OH + 2 CO2 + 2 ATP
See that? The yeast turns sugar into alcohol, more CO2, and more heat.
And if I haven’t done enough, I throw that beer into a keg, and go through tanks of pressurized CO2 to carbonate and serve it. I go through a 5 lb CO2 tank every few months.
And I’m not even purchasing carbon offsets. Aren’t I just naughty?
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Notre Dame Finds A Team They Can Beat
Of course, it was a high school team. And they beat them with a team of lawyers, not athletes. But when you’re Notre Dame, you need to relish your wins. You’re not going to beat the big boys, you might as well enjoy beating the little guys…
Now some of you may think I am losing my mind. I am, but that is beside the point. I am here to talk about the Irish winning huge. LET’S TALK SOME IRISH SMACK, SHALL WE?
True, they are riding that proud streak of 0-for-9 in NCAA bowl games in football. Then their highly touted basketball team faltered against the Mighty Winthrop what’s-their-names in March Madness’ round one, no less. Think that kept them down? Nope.
They searched high and low to find a school they can beat. FAITH BEGORA!!!!!!!! They found the one school they can lay the cheese on hard, dammit and, drumroll please…..it’s……………a high school, to be exact. Notre Dame 1, Indianapolis Cathedral High School 0. Count it. It’s a win for the Irish.
For the last two years, the University of Notre Dame has fought Cathedral High School’s use of it’s fighting leprechaun logo. This school, by the way, is almost 100 years old. Founded in 1918, Cathedral High was started by the SAME religious order that founded Notre Dame. It’s like family, isn’t it? Uh no, it isn’t, according to Don Wycliff, Notre Dame’s VP for news and information. The logo is a “symbol of the University”, and the school is protecting it’s trademark rights.
Cathedral finally relented to the University’s demands this week and agreed with the University’s latest request to remove the logo from it’s website. It notified parents that teams and clubs can no longer use the image of the fighting leprechaun. I am stunned. (As a Celtic fan, I am also a little worried here.)
Mary Boyle, president of the Cathedral Alumni Association said, “you’ve got to be kidding. It’s a little disheartening. It’s kind of like being disowned by your own family.”
Disowned by your own family? That’s funny, every time my wife decides to pry underneath my fingernails and suggest our son will go to Notre Dame, I tell her I’d disown him. Lots of disownership going on around that school huh?
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I don’t know…she’s got dark hair, eyes, and skin. Plus those drawings could be gang symbols marking her turf.
Better call SWAT, the INS, and Homeland Secury just to ensure that somebody can charge her with something.
Comment by Sober John — August 30, 2007 @ 8:15 am
Those sketchings on the sidewalk could have a hiden meaning…..Good Grief!
Comment by Lucy Stern — August 30, 2007 @ 8:57 am
What I don’t understand is why they didn’t verify that it was flour before they charged the runners.
Saw a sign in Midway Airport yesterday.
“Terrorism is not a joke.” Warning passengers to watch what they say.
Comment by VRB — August 31, 2007 @ 9:13 am
We’re going to charge people now, when the police over-react and go after the innocent? So, does that mean I’ll have to pay a fine when I’m caught NOT speeding, too?
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anything so offensive as this. It is utterly beyond the pale.
Comment by Scott — September 16, 2007 @ 10:13 am